Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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