Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
