No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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