Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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