Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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