I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
