hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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