Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
