Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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