Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
