i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
