did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
