In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
