Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
