listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
