you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
