I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
