I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
