i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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