tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
