I'm so fucking centered right now
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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