Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
he just fucked me for my cheese.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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