he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
