I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
