Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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