I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
