dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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