Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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