did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
