i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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