Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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