stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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