he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
