what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
