I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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