The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
