I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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