i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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