Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
