somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
