He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
