what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
there is glitter all over my balls
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
