I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
