I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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