Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
