So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
