Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
