Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
