I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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