i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
